Little Girl

Do you remember when you were little? What did you love to do? Play dress up? House? Barbie dolls? (Sorry guys, I'm focusing on the girls for this one) I started reading the book Captivating. One of the chapters talks about why little girls do certain things. Wear twirly skirts, get swept up in fairy tales like Cinderella and Beauty and the Beast, things like that. Very informative, but as I read, I found certain things about my childhood that were different from what they were describing. Yes, as a little girl I had Barbie dolls. However, I didn't really play with them. As I remember, I spent a great deal of time ripping the heads off of them, cutting their hair, coloring on their faces, much to my mother's dismay (sorry Mom :). I did play dress up, although one of my sister's favorite games to play was "David and Goliath." This was my favorite Bible story growing up. One of us would be David, the other Goliath (I always wanted to be David). Using a purse as a sling, we would act out the glorious tale of David's defeat of Goliath. Swinging the purse around our head, we would cheer with joy as Goliath fell to the ground.

Twirly skirts. I did not wear twirly skirts. I actually hated dressing up. I still don't like to wear skirt or dresses if I don't have to. Occasionally I can tolerate a sundress. But honestly, just give me a pair of jeans. And converses. Or TOMS. Anyway, I did enjoy Beauty and the Beast growing up (my favorite character was Chip the teacup). Yes, I'm not the girliest girl in the world, but that's okay. I am beautiful. I am strong. And I am a daughter of the Most High.

I'm an Adult...I Think

We've all had moments when we realize we're not kids anymore. I had a moment like that this past week. The innocence and freedom of childhood is no longer with us, and it can be hard to accept that. Last Sunday, I found out that two guys that I graduated with were both killed in separate car accidents over the weekend. The crashes happened within 24 hours of each other. I was in shock. Both of them were in my math class senior year. I didn't know them personally, but it's hard when someone that young passes. It feels like it's not supposed to happen that way.

This next paragraph might get confusing, but I want to respect everyone's privacy and not mention the guys' names. After I found out the news, I called my sister's boyfriend to see if he knew yet. He had been friends with one of the guys. Literally the first thing out of his mouth when I called him was this: I know that he's in a better place, because I was standing next to him when he accepted Christ. Amen to that! That brought such comfort to me. Amidst the chaos, I found some peace. He's home now.

These events made me have a "I'm not a kid anymore moment." But then there are those times when I wish I was still a kid. The decisions I have to make now are very hard. I've felt so weak and vulnerable. I've had moments where I've just cried out to God. I don't know what to do! I'm only 18! I can't handle this! Then I hear God's voice: Yes, you can. You're strong enough. If you weren't ready, I wouldn't have given it to you. It's going to be okay.

This time in my life has been crazy. I'm so grateful to have God as my rock.

Communication

Is it really already October? I must apologize for my lack of blogging. There's this thing called college that leaves me little time for other things. Anyway, last Sunday at church the sermon was about how important it is to have community and fellowship with other believers. God made our faith personal, not private. We need community in order to grow. One point that my pastor brought up is that our generation is connected so much through things like facebook and texting that we can basically be connected with people all the time. And yet, the biggest fear our generation has is being alone. I know I've had that fear many times over. I love getting to know people and having strong relationships. I can't stand to lose contact with someone.

The other day I was texting my sister. Technically speaking we were talking with each other, but afterwards I thought, "That didn't accomplish anything." I couldn't hear my sister's voice, so I couldn't tell how she was really feeling. It was just words on a screen. This is something you should know about me. I can't stand texting. I would much rather talk to someone in person. However, I put up with texting because it's how all of my friends communicate. It can be useful sometimes, but you shouldn't use it has your sole way of communication.

I realized how important it is to have fellowship and community with people. Without it, I would be a mess. I think we all would. Having fellowship with other believers helps me to grow stronger in my faith and know that I'm not the only one. It was Rob Bell that once said, "One of the most comforting phrases in the world is me too." I'm so thankful for all of the people God has put in my life. I hope that you are thankful too.

Changes

Upon arriving in college, many things have happened. God has been working on my heart. I'm still in awe of how much he has helped me these past couple of weeks. It really is true that when you're at your most vulnerable God is with you. I haven't felt this close to him in a long time. With that in mind, I would have never been able to get through my first week of college without him. It was very rough. On the first day of classes, I went to the wrong room and ended up coming in late to my first class. It was Intermediate German 1. My teacher then proceeded to tell us that she was from Germany and talked almost the entire time in German, which I wasn't expecting for the first day. She gave us our homework list; completely in German. I couldn't read any of it. I haven't taken German since my junior year of high school. So needless to say, after my first class I was pretty freaked out. Were the rest of my classes going to be like this?

I ended up dropping my German class the next day. It was just too much stress for me. Obviously, I didn't get off on the right foot. But in the midst of my homesickness, anxiety, and frustration, God was there. A good friend of mine told me to picture Jesus walking next to me all the time. He's always with me. Every day, every minute, every second. What a comfort that is! Another friend told that in the Hebrew language, there's no physical word for God. When they say it, it's like they're almost breathing in his name. Whenever I start to feel nervous or anxious, I focus on my breathing. As I inhale and exhale, I say Yahweh in my head. I don't know what it is, but breathing in God's name calms me down so quickly. It always works. Try it sometime! The rhythm of my breathing set to God's name just fits.

There are still a few adjustments about college that I am not used to yet. I know that it will take some time and that it's not going to always be easy, but I am ok. I have so many people in my life that are supporting and praying for me. It's such a wonderful feeling knowing that they're here for me.

I'm in College?

This past Thursday, I moved into my dorm at Kent State University. I'm officially a Golden Flash. It's still really odd for me to think of myself as a college student. I honestly don't know what to think yet. Everything is so new and I'm still adjusting to it. I'm feeling way too many emotions to count. I know that things will get better, but it's hard starting out. I know that I'm not the only one feeling like this, and that's reassuring. Another thing that keeps me going is that I'm only 45 minutes away from home. I'm not 5 states away. I would never be able to go that far away.

This morning I went to h2o, which is a church on Kent's campus. It was so refreshing and comforting to be around people that share the same beliefs as me. One of the songs they sang talked about God being on our side. One of the lines was, "I'm gonna be alright." When I heard that lyric, it hit me that I myself was going to be ok. God is going to be with me every step of the way during this new journey. I don't have to be afraid! And although I still get a lump in my throat whenever I talk to my parents on the phone, I know things will get better. God will never give me something I can't handle.

An Irish Girl

I was named after my Great Aunt Kathy. Even though I never met her, we have a lot on common. One thing that is strong between us is a love for our background. I'm Irish, German, French, and Hungarian. With my name being Kathleen Finley, you can see which heritage is the strongest. For as long as I can remember, I've had this strong desire to go to Ireland. My Aunt Kathy also had this dream. She ended up going, late in her life. She had a huge fear of flying, but she conquered it and went on the trip. Unfortunately, she became very ill during her time there and had to leave early, but her dream was reached.

I hope that I won't have to wait as long as Aunt Kathy did to go to Ireland, and hopefully I won't get sick either. I'm not quite sure where this dream of mine came from, but my mom told me I've been talking about it since I was little. There's just something about Ireland that feels like home to me. I can't quite put it into words. It's always been like that. My favorite color is green, I've done reports on Ireland for school more times than I can count. The background of my computer at work is of the Irish countryside. I even did a scene in my theatre class that required me to do an Irish accent.

There are times where I'm afraid that I'm going to go and it won't be what I thought; that I'll be disappointed by what I find. Then I think about all the reasons I want to go, all my dreams I've had since my early childhood, and I push all those fears aside. I am going to go to Ireland. And it will be beautiful.

One Year, Lots of Things

It was a year ago this past week that I went to Ecuador. I can't believe it's really been that long. So much has happened in my life between now and then. One minute I'm stepping off a plane in a new country; the next, I'm graduating from high school and getting ready for college. Some parts of this year are just a blur. It really does all go by fast. One thing that I'm not used to is talking about high school in the past tense. I feel like I should be doing that when I'm a lot older; not when I'm 18. Out of all the things I did this year, I will never, never forget that trip. It's going to affect me for the rest of my life. It has already changed me in just 365 days. I've talked about it, thought about it every day; I even wrote an essay about it in my AP Literature class. Our whole group has been changed by it. We all got together yesterday for a reunion. Seeing them again made me realize how much has happened since the trip. I discovered how busy I've been lately, and quite frankly, I don't really like it that much! I'm surrounded by these wonderful people that I had a life-changing experience with, and as looked around, I suddenly thought, how many of these people have I kept in contact with this past year? Barely any of them. The last time I saw one of them was over 3 months ago. It made feel sad that I hadn't put forth more of an effort to maintain a solid relationship with them. You don't just write these sort of people off. Being able to reconnect was so wonderful. I missed it so much. So I'm not going to let that happen again.