Decade

The new year is less than 2 hours away. Although, most of you probably won't read this until tomorrow. It is the end of a decade. These past ten years have been filled with many things. When it started, I was in third grade. I didn't really understand what the big deal was about it being a new millennium. All I remember about it was that I stood on the back of our friends' porch and banged on pots and pans at midnight. Now, I'm almost 18, going to graduate from high school, and am planning on going to bed shortly after, or possibly before, midnight. I've never really been that much of a celebrator on New Year's Eve. It's the beginning of a new journey for some of us. Earlier this evening I wasn't quite feeling like myself. I thought that I knew what I wanted to do with my life, and for the first time, I questioned if I was making the right decision. It kind of scared me a little. It's tough not knowing what's ahead of us. What I do know, is that God already knows what's coming around the bend. He has big plans for me. It's such a comfort knowing that. Those words were lovingly given to me by my mom, another comfort in my life. The next words I'm going to tell you came from one of my favorite movies, Dan in Real Life. Dan is a newspaper columnist. In one of his articles he states, When you ask a young person, What are your plans? What are your plans for your life? I would tell them, plan to be surprised. Good advice, Dan. Wise words indeed.

Comments on the Holidays

Merry Christmas everyone! My holiday has been really great this year. I hope yours is too. It wasn't just the gift giving that made it special. My family is some of the most amazing people I know. Spending time with them is something that I really cherish. My grandma, who is affectionately known as Grammy, is a very talented seamstress. Every year she makes all of the grankids a gift. This year, she passed out a white fabric bag with a red bow to all of us. Before we opened them, she said, "Your gifts are gold colored this year. We want you to know that no matter where you all go in life, you will always be worth more than gold to us." I got a small lump in my throat as I opened mine. Inside was a gold pillow in the shape of the letter K. My cousins all got a pillow with their initial as well. It's one of the best gifts I've ever gotten. This new year is going to bring some changes for all of us. Knowing that someone cares for you and will be there is a very comforting feeling.

Christmastime is Here

I really do love Christmas. Although this year, I feel like it's taken me longer to get into the Christmas spirit. Something has put a bit of a damper on it, and I'm quite sure what it is. Maybe it's the slue of commercials that have turned the holidays into one big shopping spree. I'm not denying the fact that Christmas does involve some form of shopping, but sometimes I feel that it's gotten out of hand. Or maybe it's because it hasn't snowed yet. I live in Ohio. In the snow belt. So where is it? I want to go skiing! Or it could be the fact that all my teachers decided to have tests and projects due during the last week before break. I just finished writing a 7-page literature analysis. Too. Many. Quotes. Don't worry, there is a point to this.

What I'm saying is that a lot of us have forgotten what the holidays are for. I mean, we all know it's to celebrate Jesus's birth, but it's a lot deeper than that. When Jesus was born, there was no Christmas tree. No fire burning in the fireplace, no holiday specials on TV. He was born in a barn. In a manger. Do you know what a manger is? It's a feed trough. Jesus was born in a box that animals eat out of. Speaking of animals, there would have been quite a few in that barn. So there's dirt. And straw. Manure and dust. It would have been filthy in there. This is where our Savior was born. A filthy, cold stable. It wasn't extravagant or flashy. It was humble. It was quiet. I think that this was an example of how we should celebrate Christmas. Keep it simple. I'm not saying don't get a tree or not decorate. I like those parts of it. If we remember what really happened that first Christmas, I think that it will help us not get so caught up.

Me Too

I decided to re-read a book I had read a couple of years ago. I wanted to really make sense of it, figure out what message the writer was trying to put across. Several pages in, a passage jumped out at me.

"Some of the most comforting words in the universe are "me too". That moment when you find out that your struggle is also someone else's struggle, that you're not alone, and that others have been down the same road."

I don't think there is any other phrase in the world that can affect people as much as this one can. To find out that someone understands what you are going through, because they've been there. They know what it's like. You have someone to share the weight with, or to take it off your shoulders. It's a sense of relief. My heart breaks for the people that believe that no one knows what they are struggling with. They won't reach out for help, and think that nobody cares.

Someone does care.

That someone fully understands your pain. They know the extent of the heartache, the sadness, the anger that has kept you tangled up all this time. The confusion that makes you unable to understand why this is happening. The loneliness and feeling like an outcast. That someone has been through it all. Has felt everything you have. There is help for you, and it's reaching out with a love more powerful than anything in this world. A love that cares for you with every fiber of its being.

Abba.

Thanks

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and in my family, that means going down to my grandparents' house. It means hanging out with all my cousins, getting shooed out of the kitchen by Grammy and eating a plethora of incredibly delicious food. Don't get me wrong, I like Thanksgiving, but this holiday has kind of lost its luster for me. We all say that we're thankful for our family, our friends, but I feel like there's no meaning behind it. We just say it because it's that time of year and it's what you do. All the advertisements on T.V seem ironic. They say, "Be thankful this year, it's the time of giving. Now go by this plasma screen 52 inch entertainment center! That's really giving!" Is this what our society has come to? An overdone, materialistic holiday season? It's a frightening prospect.

What you say you are thankful really shows what you feel is important. So this year, think very carefully about that. I have been so blessed this year by many things. It is my prayer that I don't forget that, and that you won't either.

Moments

Sometimes, we can be walking along, living our lives, when suddenly, something happens. You know that you will remember that moment for the rest of your life. I went down to my aunt and uncle's house this weekend and decided to take a walk in the woods by their house. I was listening to music, swishing through the leaves, just off my own world. I came upon a trail that ran along a creek bed, and being the curious person that I am, I started to walk down it. The trail dead ends but there is a bridge next to it that goes over the creek and takes you to the playground of an elementary school. There was a gate in front of the playground that was locked, so I just walked onto the bridge a little ways. Halfway across, I stopped dead in my tracks. On the railing of the bridge was a Peregrine Falcon with a mouse in its talons. The minute I saw the falcon, the song I was listening to ended, and everything was quiet. It was like God was telling me to take this all in. We looked at each other for a while. The falcon didn't seem to think I was a threat. I took a picture of it, and left it to eat its meal. While this may not seem like a life changing moment, it reminded me that sometimes the most simple things have the biggest impact. In our society, I think we forget that a lot. Money and material wealth don't satisfy, and never will. We need something bigger than ourselves.

A Shepherd's Staff

My all time favorite song is The House of God Forever by Jon Foreman. He is an amazing song writer, and you can really tell he puts a lot of thought and heart into his music. His faith inspires me every time I listen to his songs. The House of God Forever is basically Psalm 23 set to music. If you're not familiar with this Psalm, here it is:

"The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever."

Of course, I think Jon Foreman's Bible is a different translation than mine because the song isn't this exact context, but the impact is exactly the same. It's beautiful. Calming. Emotional. Strong. Encouraging. Whenever I feel like nothing is going right or things are overwhelming, I listen to this song and every time a sense of peace comes over me. What a wonderful reminder this is. To know that God is always with us through all the bad stuff. He leads us along our journey, and makes us rest. That line really got me. Knowing that he wants to restore us and bring us up. It's such a comforting thought. We are not alone in this life. God's with us all the way. We don't have to be afraid! He knows us and loves us more than anyone. Nothing else matters but this.

Frustration

We all get frustrated. When things don't go our way, a problem we can't solve, (in my case, it would be my math homework), not being able to figure something out. There have been times when I've been really frustrated with people. Wondering if there are still good, decent people left in the world. Sometimes I feel like I have a hard time connecting with people. This week has reignited that frustration. After having a conversation with some acquaintances of mine, I discovered that their moral character was drastically different from what I thought it was. I was very disappointed, because I thought they were better than the people they were portraying through the words they were saying. It caused me to question my judgement of them. Had they been like this all along and I was too naive to notice? I started to lose my faith in people. I just sat and listened. I didn't open my mouth once, all the while growing more and more agitated. I couldn't believe it. How could someone so caring and kind do something so stupid and wrong? It just didn't make sense. I had no comments about what they said; probably because I've never been in any of the situations they were describing, and don't plan to be. I didn't like what I heard. I felt like I didn't have any influence. I was almost afraid to say something. I knew what I wanted to say: "How could you be so stupid?! Do want to mess up your life? You're very different from the person I thought you were. I don't know if I can trust you now." Now, this is the part where I felt like I hadn't made a connection with them. I love talking with people. Listening to their stories, finding out their likes, dislikes, dreams, passions. Really knowing them on a personal level. After talking with these people, I realized there was a whole other level to them that I didn't know about. It was as if it had been hiding, and all it took was one small action to bring it out of the shadows. I was shocked. It was like I didn't know them at all. Looking back on it, I think everyone has different levels to them. Some are happy and want to be seen, others are dark and are kept inside. It takes an enormous amount of trust for someone to show you all of their levels. That really says something if you make that connection.

All Around

This past weekend, I was standing in the middle of a farm field. An oat field, to be exact. I've always wanted to walk through a field like that. I had my camera with me, and everywhere I looked I saw something that I wanted to photograph. The sky was clear, the weather was warm, the leaves were gleaming. It was then that I realized something. You can find God anywhere. I saw him in the sun that lit up the trees. In the green oat stalks that danced in the soft wind. The beautiful painted draft horses in the pasture. It was like God was saying, "Look, I put this here for you. Isn't it lovely? I made it with you in mind." In that moment, I felt so close to him. I knew more than ever that there was a reason why I like photography so much. God showed me it's what I'm meant to do. The peace and quiet of that moment touched my deeply. I love being outside. It's where I get the most inspiration. God's creation continues to blow me away. I think I'll end my entry with that. I hope you can take something from it like I did.

I'll Eat You Up

Tonight, my dad and I went to see Where the Wild Things Are. First off, I grew up on this book. My mom must have read it to me and my sisters at least fifty times. Then when I learned how to read I probably read it fifty more times.I always dreamed of finding the place where they lived. One of my all time favorites. Going into the film, I knew that some parts were going to be different, since it's only a 300 word book, and half the pages are just pictures. Despite that, everything about it worked beautifully together. I really liked how all the wild things had names. It made them seem even more real. It is visually stunning, and the camerawork is amazing. It draws you in and makes you feel like you are part of the film too. After watching it, I can understand how some kids wouldn't understand the film. The story has a deeper concept than any children's book. All the wild things represent a different part of Max's personality. Carol is Max's anger. He doesn't understand why things can't stay the same forever. Judith is Max's negative side. She thinks that things are always going to fail, no matter how hard you try. Alexander is the part of Max that feels like no one ever hears what he's saying. Ira is Max's gentle side. He is the one that steps up when there is a problem and tries to solve it peacefully. KW is Max's caring side. She sees the good in people, but doesn't like it when people change. Douglas is the part of Max that wants to be accepted, so he goes along with whatever everyone does. Through them, Max realizes how he acts isn't right and that he needs to change. He grows up in a sense. Knowing what he has done wrong, he tries to make things better. If you haven't seen the film, I highly recommend it. I hope I haven't given anything away but it is truly a wonderful story. There is a wild thing inside all of us.

Decisions

Today I went on a college visit to Kent State University. Going into this visit, I admit I was a bit apprehensive. Up until now, I hadn't visited a college as big as Kent, and I didn't like how big it was. I was frustrated because my original plans for my major didn't seem attainable. This really upset me. I felt like I wasn't going to be able to pursue my passions. My dreams drive me, sometimes literally, almost every day of my life. I had also heard all of the stereotypical rumors about Kent. I think most of us have heard them. There's the saying "Can't read, can't write, Kent State." I had also heard that it had a bit of a reputation as being a party school. Then there were some students in some of my classes that said they didn't know what to do with their lives so they were just going to go to Kent. Upon arriving on campus, all of these things left me. I saw a campus that had so much to offer me. It's size was not as daunting as I had thought. Talking to various people in my departments of interest made me see how I could make my dreams reality. I can't even describe to you how that makes me feel. It can actually happen! I'm going to do it! They are in reach! All of my questions were answered and then some. It calmed a lot of my fears about going to college. While I know that there will probably be partying at any school I go to, it's my choice about whether or not I participate. And I can tell you right now, it is the last thing I would ever want to do. I have dreams and I don't want to do anything that might jeopardize that. This new part of my life is getting closer every day. After taking in everything, I've decided that Kent is the school for me. It has everything I want. Now I just have to apply! This time next year, I hope to be a Photoillustration major with a minor in writing. Wish me luck!

Tom Hanks!

Yesterday my theatre class went to hear Tom Hanks speak. Actually, it was an interview. We were in the WVIZ/PBS TV station in Cleveland. It was filmed in a TV studio and we were the audience! How cool is that? Scott Simon, who works for NPR and has done hundreds of interviews conducted the whole thing. He asked Tom all about his work and he told us tons of stories about how he got his start and acting in different movies. Two people from each school that came got picked to ask Tom a question. It was so interesting hearing his answers. He is so down to earth and real, which is something that I was so happy about. I was afraid that he was going to be one of those people that puts on an act all the time and can never be themselves, but it wasn't like that at all. He was so funny and was joking around with everyone. He loves to make people laugh. At the end of the interview he took a group photo with everyone. He kept saying funny things and we were laughing the whole time the photographer was taking the pictures. It was truly a once in a lifetime experience, and I got to be a part of it! Since it was filmed for PBS, it's going to be on national television. I don't know when exactly, but they got many shots of the audience during the interview and the camera man filmed my section where I was sitting quite a few times! It was such an honor to listen to a master actor like Tom Hanks.

Believe

Today in my theatre class we found who got cast in the play we are putting on. It's called The Rise and Rise of Daniel Rocket. It's about a boy named Daniel who can fly. Yes, that's right! The first act of the play is when Daniel and all of his friends are in 6th grade. This is when they first find out that Daniel can fly. The second act takes place 20 years later when all the kids have grown up and Daniel has become famous. I won't give too much of it away, but one of the primary themes of the play is having the courage to believe in something or someone when no one else does. During the course of the play, there are only two people who really believed Daniel could fly and wanted to see him succeed. This helped Daniel to reach for his dreams and actually fly. He believed in himself. Isn't this a great parallel to life? If you believe in yourself, then no one can change your goals. Daniel refused to compromise who he was just so he could fit in, even though he knew he would be made fun of. This isn't the play my theatre class considered doing at first. The first play we were going to put on was Plaza Suite by Neil Simon. Each act can stand alone as a one act play because the characters have no connection except that they all rent the same room at the Plaza Hotel in New York. While it is a great play, the second act is very, "risque" to say the least. We all weren't entirely sure how we were going to stage it to make it less awkward. I for one didn't want to compromise my integrity just so I could get a bigger part. Bravely, my sister Elizabeth and I went to our theatre teacher and talked to her about it. Because of our courage to step forward and say that we didn't agree with it, other kids in our class also expressed concern that probably would have otherwise kept their mouths shut because they didn't want to be the only ones that felt that way. After listening to us, our teacher agreed with us and decided to change the play. Hence that we are doing Daniel Rocket. I feel that I can relate to this play a lot because of what it stands for. If I hadn't stood up and refused to sacrifice my beliefs, we may have never done anything. This play is going to be a great success. I got the part of Claudia, one of the kids, and Elizabeth is Mrs. Rice the schoolteacher. Both are amazing characters and I can't wait to bring this story to life.

Dreamers

A song lyric popped into my head just now. "Godspeed, dreamers. You're the best of us." Kind of a true statement when you think about it. Where would we be as a world without dreamers? I consider myself a dreamer. I have so many things I want to achieve, places I want to go. It's what drives me. Sometimes I see people my age and I can't believe how they act. They don't know what they want to do with their lives. They are just wasting away, not even trying to change. I want to ask them, What are your dreams? Don't you have something to hold on to? That one thing that you would give anything to accomplish? Don't just sit there! Pursue it! Do not live in vain! Break the cycle! It hurts me to know that some people will never chase their dreams. Some people may not even have any. They don't think they can reach them. I want to reach mine. None of us want to feel like our lives never amounted to anything. But in God's eyes, our lives are worth more than gold. Everyone's life is a story. He cherishes our triumphs, is sad along with us during our downfalls, and through it all loves us in a way we will never fully understand. I'm amazed every day how much God loves me. It fills me with so much joy knowing that he's with me all the time. I know that I'll be able to reach my dreams with Him by my side.

Reconstruction

Last night I got together with everyone that went on the Ecuador trip. It was so wonderful seeing everyone again. During our post trip debrief, Rick asked us how God changed us as a person. Everyone said different things. Learning to rely on God more. Not letting our fears control us. Realizing God's plan for us. For me, everything about the trip changed me. God broke me to pieces and reconstructed me in a different way. I discovered things about myself I never knew before. Coming back to my life after Ecuador hasn't been easy. I keep catching myself starting to fall into the old habits I had before. When that happens, I remember how God has rebuilt me. I'm a new person for a reason. God wants me to reach my full potential. I'm trying to keep that in mind every day. Hanging out and talking with everyone helped me start to get back on track. I don't know how many of you guys read my blog, but if you do, thanks. You mean the world to me.

Memories

Today I finally finished my scrapbook of my trip to Ecuador. Going through all the photos brought back so many wonderful memories of everything I did there. It was also a little bittersweet. I miss Ecuador. I miss waking up in the morning and going up on the roof to read my Bible. I miss hearing the propane truck beep its horn to alert customers to come and buy. Smelling the bread baking in Arenas, the bakery next to my aunt and uncle's apartment. Having everyone you pass on the street say good morning or good afternoon to you with a smile on their face. Life in Ecuador is different from life in America. It's simple. It's uncomplicated. People hold their relationships in high regard. It's been almost 2 months since I've gotten back. I've been feeling the pressures of life lately. School, sports, not to mention all the political stuff going on right now. It can really bring a person down. Everytime I start to get stressed, I remember that my life doesn't have to be controlled by this. Only God controls my life. He knows what's best for me. It's not politics, it's not school projects. Politics cause a bunch of problems that I don't want to get involved with. God is fully involved in my life all the time. He knows everything that's going on. I may not understand some things, but I know that God understands and that I don't need to be afraid. He has big plans for me.

Surprises

I love acting. I'm quite a bit of a theatre dork sometimes. So naturally I'm taking two theatre classes this year. I love getting into a character and putting my all out on stage. This semester my theatre class has been given a major oppurtunity. My teacher couldn't tell us what it was at first, only that it was going to be in the newspaper and it's on October 12th and it has something to do with the Great Lakes Theatre Festival. So this past Sunday my sister Elizabeth and I ripped through the paper. We couldn't find anything. We looked at it forwards and backwards, upside down and sideways. Nothing. So Monday came and we were basically dying of anticipation. My theatre teacher stopped us in the hallway, thrust the day's paper in our hands, and told us to read the headline. We freaked out. Because...are you ready for this?...WE GET TO MEET TOM HANKS! Tom Hanks got his start in the Great Lakes Theatre Festival in the 70s. He's coming back to do a fundraiser for them. During the day he's holding a master's workshop for 5 local schools' theatre classes and my school was one of the schools chosen. Only 100 spots were open and we got in! Oh, and it's also going to be filmed for PBS and we get to ask questions at the end. Maybe I'll see myself on TV! This is going to be the most amazing field trip ever!

A New Year

This past week was the start of my senior year of high school. My first day was Thursday(who starts school on a thursday anyway?). So far I think it's going to be a good year. A lot of things have changed this year. One thing about my schedule for this year is that my lunc hperiod is very late in the day, as in 10th period, which basically is at one in the afternoon. Now, normally 10th period lunch has pretty much all freshman in it. The senior commons, which is where the upperclassmen eat, is closed during 10th period lunch. So any seniors who have lunch then have to eat in the main cafeteria. I walked into the cafeteria the first day, and I recongnized nobody. It was all freshmen. Little, immature freshman that think they know everythiing because they're in high school now. But then a group of kids from my grade found me and we all congregated at a big table in the back. I kid you not, we are the only seniors in there. Now, the people I sit with are people that I've been through middle school and all of high school with, but we aren't great friends by any means. Sitting with them made me realize how much all of us have changed. A couple of years ago, these people probably wouldn't have given me the time of day. But now, we all talk and laugh together. Everybody is nice to each other. It doesn't matter anymore who is the most popular. We've all matured so much. I finally feel like I know who I am this year. I'm comfortable in my skin. It doesn't matter what other people think. I 'm proud of who I am and what I stand for.

Too Much Stuff

I have a tendency to think about things too much sometimes. I worry about what's going to happen to me in the future. What someone thinks about me. Jumping to conclusions. Overanalyzing something until I can't get it out of my head. This evening I had way too many things smashed into my mind. What am I going to do about college? Why is my golf team split up at different courses now? School starts next week. The list goes way on after that. I decided to clear my head and take my dog for a walk. It was such a nice quiet night. It was starting to cool down and the crickets were warming up for a concert. I didn't see a lot of people on my walk, and I was able to reflect on some things. Number One: I've done a lot of things this summer. Going to Ecuador was hands down the highlight. Number Two: I'm going back to school a different person than I was at the begining of the summer. Number Three: I should stop stressing over things because God is in control and loves me more than I will ever know. After realizing this, my walk became much more enjoyable. I didn't want to go back home right away, so I just kind of wandered around my neighborhood. I walked past places from my childhood. The culdesac where I learned how to ride a bike. The house that some friends of mine used to live in. I would go fishing in their lake. I talked to my next door neighbor for a few minutes. I don't think I, or anyone in my family has exchanged pleasantries with them since I was young. She was shocked that my sisters and I were going to be seniors and told me what her daughter was doing these days. I walked into my yard with a renewed soul and a clear head. Everything was going to be just fine.

Life's A Climb

I watched the Hannah Montana Movie last night with my sisters. Surprisingly, I actually enjoyed it more than I thought I would. It's pretty well done for the most part. I'm not a big fan of Miley Cyrus. After all of the rumors that have circulated about her, I just don't know what to think anymore. I would like to think that she really is a strong Christian. I would like to think that all the pressures of her career have just brought her down and she doesn't know what to do. I know that she has made some mistakes, we all do. Hers unfortunately had to be in the public eye. It is my hope and prayer that she is able to remember what is important in life, like in the movie. And I hope that we can all remember that in our lives as well.

Writing

I decided to start this blog after I got back from Ecuador because a dear friend of mine said he liked reading my writing. I wanted to share my ideas and thoughts with other people. Honestly, I don't know how many people read this blog, but I've gotten good feedback(mostly from friends and family). Anyway, writing is one of my passions. I love being able to create something that I know is going to affect people when they read it. At first, my writing just consisted of documenting my daily life in my journal, which I still do. As I've gotten older, I've written a short story, added poetry to my writing skills and I have an idea for a screenplay. The one thing I wish I could do is write a song. Music is a big influence in my life, but everytime I've tried to write one, it just hasn't been what I wanted. I couldn't get the words to flow right, or it didn't sound the way I wanted it to. I also play guitar, so trying to find the right chords made it increasingly difficult for me. My dad also plays guitar, and he has written two songs that my church's band have performed. They are amazing. I don't know how he does it. One of the songs, I Know My God Reigns, the band just debuted today during the service. Everyone went crazy for it. It has a sort of southern rock feel to it mixed with a little bit of a Bon Jovi vibe. Put in some harmonica too, and we are talking major rocking out here. It was so great. I wish I could have been up there playing it with him. Never in a million years did I think my dad would write a song. But he's good at it! So what's stopping me from trying again? I want to write one with my dad. With our ideas together, who knows what we'll come up with!

Younglife

"Do you remember when we were just kids nad cardboard boxes took us miles from what we would miss? Schoolyard conversations taken to heart, and laughter took the place of everything we knew we were not." This is a lyric from the song Inevitable by Anberlin. It's one of my favorite songs for many reasons. For one thing, the song is musically complex, with many different elements that give it almost a romantic haunting feel. Second, the lyrics are beautiful. Those first two sentences especially stand out to me. I remember when I was a little kid. I didn't have a care in the world. Everyone was friends with everyone, and nobody cared what music you listened to or how cool your clothes were. We just had fun. And I distinctly remember playing in cardboard boxes. We were too innocent to realize the complexities of life, yet we understood things that most adults took years to finally figure out. What happened to those days? We grew up. People became jaded. Kids we were best friends with were now our enemies. It became all about image instead of who had the best lunch or got to swing on the swings first. Why can we be so blind sometimes? I try really hard not to be judgmental of people. I think that's the first thing we lose when we start to grow up. The power to see people for who they are, and not what they look like or who they hang out with. This becomes increasingly difficult in high school. Honestly, high school really sucks sometimes. People can be really cruel. We need to remember our younglife days (also the name of an Anberlin song). Nothing mattered then.

Changes

I went to a graduation party for one of my friends today. While I had a good time, I realized that my friend and I really don't have that much in common anymore. We're both starting new phases in our lives. Her goals and values changed. We're not the same people we once were. This got me thinking about how much people change sometimes. I know a lot of people that I was best friends with when I was younger and now we don't see each other that much. I had one friend that I was really close with during middle school. We were inseparable. Once we started high school, our friendship pretty much ended. It was very sudden and without explanation. I was extremely hurt. I couldn't figure out why we had stopped being friends. For the longest time I thought it was my fault. That I had done something that had caused our friendship to end. We would walk past each other in the hall and it would be like we had never even known each other. She started hanging out with a different group of friends. I would try to talk to her at football games and she ended up ditching me twice. I was the outcast to her. Then, during the begining of sophmore year she moved away. I haven't seen or talked to her in 3 years. I don't know if I'll ever find an answer as to why we stopped being friends. But I know now that it wasn't my fault. God had a reason for why this happened. I was finally able to forgive her for how she hurt me. It took me a while to come to grips with all of this. I don't know where she ended up, but I still pray for her and her family every day. Even if we don't see each other again, I hope that she knows I'm not upset about what happened. I'm not the same person I once was.

Pancakes!

I'm a big fan of pancakes. And food in general. I'm the person that goes to a resturant and gets something really out there because I want to try it. So today my sister's boyfriend came over and they decided to make pancakes for everyone for lunch. Very good idea. But not just any pancakes. Pancakes with strawberries and blueberries and dark chocolate chips. Not milk or semisweet. DARK CHOCOLATE CHIPS! Do you know how delicious it was? We also had sausage and bacon. The bacon had an accident of sorts. It somehow all managed to burn. The entire package. It was still pretty tasty blackened though. So apparently everyone in my family is in a cooking mood today because shortly after lunch my sisters and I (I have 3 sisters) decided we wanted to make dinner. They watched Julie and Julia last night so I guess it sparked their culinary imagination. We all took a recipe and off we went to the store to get ingredients. I'm in charge of dessert(this is also a very good idea). I'm making a topping to go on ice cream that has peaches in it. Oh yes, don't you wish you were at my house tonight? While you may think this blog doesn't have a ton of meaning, it does to me. I have a very close relationship with my sisters. Next year we are all going off to college. As that day comes closer, I'm realizing even more how important the 4 of us spending time together is. It will be hard being away from each other, but I know we will always have one another no matter where we end up.

Loneliness

Loneliness has got to be one of the worst feelings in the world. Feeling like you don't have anyone around you that cares for you. All by yourself. At this moment, I'm the only one at my house. I'll admit, I am a little lonely right now. My house is too quiet. It's just me and the furniture. I think that there are different types of lonely. One of them is when you feel like it's just you. You don't have any friends to lean on for support through something, or no family close by. The second kind of lonely is when you feel like you don't have that special someone that cares about you. I have felt both of these in my life. It's not fun. Both of them are hard to get through. And I have. I have a very close group of friends and family that would do anything for me. They are wonderful people that I trust with my life. As for the other loneliness, it's a tough one for most people. It was hard for me, and still is sometimes. I want to know that there is a guy out there for me that will love me for who I am. I think most of us want something like that. One day I was feeling pretty down and out, when a voice said something that pretty much slapped me in the face. "You are 17. You have your whole life ahead of you. Your time will come. Don't worry about it." In that moment, it stopped bothering me. I'm ok with the fact that I've never been on a date. Yes, it's true. It will happen when it happens and that's alright with me.

Speak

I think all of us have heard someone say at least once that when they pray they feel like God isn't there. He doesn't speak to them. While God did speak to people in the Bible, in our day and age that type of speaking isn't around anymore. I'm not quite sure why, but I know God has a reason for it. There have been times for me where I have also felt like God isn't there. He didn't give me the answer I wanted, or I didn't understand what he was doing. When that happens, I'm reminded of a poem that talks about this. It's called Silence by Bradley Hathaway (I quoted him in one of my previous blogs. Yes, I'm a big fan of him :). In the poem he talks about feeling like God isn't near him and that he's at his whit's end. But as the poem goes on, things change. All the silence he keeps hearing turns into something new. Here is the poem.

What's happening here?
I was once alive and now
I'm so full of dread
And almost dead

Show me your wound head
That has led to
Communion with the Father

But where did he go?

His presence seems farther
And farther away each day

But I'm trying so hard
To steer HIS way

Yet still lonely and confused
on this cold hard ground I lay

Speak to me with wise mouth and say

"It's all good, kid
it's nothing that you did
and though it feels like
I'm not here with you right now
Just be still
and listen for that sound...


(Did you hear it?)
Listen again.

Did you hear it?

That silent vice that just spoke nothing?

THAT is ME!

I'm listening to your plea
with open ears
Counting all your tears
Flowing from your
irritated eyes
Searching the skies
Looking for that hope
that beyond there lies.

You young worrisome sparrow,
Find rest.

Lay your tattered head
upon my omnipresent breast
And make it your nest.

No strong cold wind
could ever blow
and carry you from this
your home.

Look around
See the life
Springing up from the ground?
Spring colors springing forth
in celebration of your trusting.

It's a constant process
this is growing you
into the person you are to become

And when you sense the setting of the sun
Know that it's only rising and has just begun.

Now go forth!

Sing songs of faith!

Lift up others in the midst of this race
And if you can't keep the pace
or lose sight of my face

Know that I'm always near so you need not fear.
(But don't worry all of them or that right now.)

Just sit here
and enjoy the peace I offer
in my silence.

When I am silent I am listening

and Not abandoning.

I think I'll let the poem speak for itself.

Better Days

We've all had one of those days where nothing seems to go right. Today was kind of one of those days for me. I went golfing with my dad and I wasn't doing that well. I would aim one direction and the ball would go somewhere else, my putts were awful to say the least. Basically, by about the 4th hole I wanted to quit. As I was setting up my shot on the fairway, I heard a noise. I turned around and there was a hawk soaring past me, screeching. If you've never heard a hawk screech before, it's one of the most awe-inspiring things you will witness. It slowly flew over us and landed in a tree on the side of the hole. It was a beautiful sight. After watching that, I suddenly felt a lot better. While my golfing didn't improve much the rest of the round, I didn't let it get to me as much. I think was God's way of helping me relax more. And at the end of it when I added up my score, I shot a 53. That's the best I've ever played. How about that?

A Doll's House

I'm in the process of reading the play A Doll's House for one of my summer reading projects(gotta love those!). For a while I couldn't figure out what the title had to do with the play because, well, the plot has nothing to do with a doll house. So this morning when I was writing a journal of Act 2 it came to me. For those of you that haven't read this play, let me give you a brief explanantion. It's about this family in the 40s. The husband, Torvald, just got a promotion at his job. All his wife, Nora cares about is money and gaining material things. Since Torvald got a promotion he wants to fire one of the workers under him. This man, Krogstad, starts blackmailing Nora so she will help him not get fired. So, Nora's dreams of gaining a richer life start to fade. Have you figured out the reason for the title? A doll house is a fake reality. You can pretend to have the perfect life in it, but it's not your real life. Nora was living in a doll house, so to speak. This got me thinking. People sometimes live in a fake reality. They think their lives are going a certain way, but really it's the complete opposite. Before I went to Ecuador, I think I was living in my own doll house. It was my perfect little world. But after going on that trip and experiencing the things that I did, that doll house is destroyed, and that's a good thing. It changed my perception of everything. I'm not as judgmental towards people. I can't stand how materialistic our society is. There is a world outside my own. It's a shame that some people never realize that.

Time

Today I was listening to the song Abracadavers by The Classic Crime. It's a great song, but I never really read that deep into it. But today, two of the lines really stuck out to me. "It seems we're beautifully made and designed. But it's a shame we can be so blind." This is very true. We are beautifully made, but how many of us forget that on a regular basis? We live in a world that always tells us no. We are not beautiful. You will never succeed. It can get really frustrating sometimes. We are blinded by our imperfections and that's all we see. The things we aren't. The things we can't do. I have met people that have almost nothing, yet they have joy in their lives. It's because they remember this: They are beautiful. They are loved. They have hope in something bigger. In the words of Bradley Hathaway, "If hope were not so, I would not choose to live." I have that hope. I need it. We all need it. The next time I start to get the wool of life pulled over my eyes, I'll think of how beautiful God has made me. And I will see clearly again.

Rain

It's raining today. When I woke up this morning and looked out the window I thought, Yes! I don't have to mow the lawn now! I really do like rain. The sound, the smell of it, how it falls to the ground. Except when it's storming. I don't like storms. Rain brings life back to the world. It's like a big wake up call for everything. Today, I think the rain gave me a bit of a wake up call. It gave me new life in a sense. I don't know why exactly, but I feel different. In about 5 weeks, I'm going to begin my senior year of high school. Everyone says high school goes by fast; now I know what they mean. While it is kind of bittersweet to be starting this journey, I know that it's far from over. New things are going to be happening. My life doesn't stop at high school. If it did, that would be really bad! At this point, I feel like I'm ready for this. It's been a good ride, and now it's almost over. So for anyone else who is at this point, I hope you are ready for this too.
Kathleen

Normal

Last week I spent 8 days in Quito, Ecuador. When I came back, culture shock can't even begin to describe how strange everything seemed. First off, in Ecuador, traffic is crazy. Let me out it this way: stoplights are optional. Turn signals are optional. Stop signs are optional. Beeping is greatly accepted and two lanes roads can be one lane roads if needed. So yesterday morning when I was driving to the driving range I was wondering why none of that was going on. As I got closer to my destination, I suddenly became angry. I thought, Why am I doing this? I just got back from Ecuador yesterday, and I'm already doing things I did before I left! Does it happen this fast? Going back to normal? I don't want things to go back to normal! Two days ago I was playing soccer with street kids and giving life to a community with 60% unemployment. Now I'm driving to a golf course that I can't even afford to play at! Have I forgotten everything I've done? And then I pulled into the parking lot of the golf course. It was packed. There was a huge tournament going on. I couldn't even get in. It was like God's way of saying, "You haven't forgotten. This is the new normal. Now go home and rest." I was still really tired from the 10 hours of traveling the day before. Driving home, I felt a sense of completness. Even though things are going to go back to normal eventually, it won't be all the way normal. I have all these memories and experiences that have changed me as a person. I have a whole new attitude towards life. I don't care how cliche that sounds because it's true. So I hope you know what your normal is. Will it change people when they see you? Only you know that answer.
Kathleen