Family

This past Sunday my church had baptisms. We got the pool in the rec center and we all celebrated as 11 people were welcomed into God's family. I was so excited for everyone. These people are my family. It was so wonderful to be a part of. They are my brothers and sisters in Christ. As I looked around the room, I had a beautiful realization. These people aren't just my earthly family, but my eternal family as well. We're going to be in heaven together! Have you ever just thought about that? That's so amazing! I love being a part of God's Kingdom. I think I'll just leave it at that.

Little Girl

Do you remember when you were little? What did you love to do? Play dress up? House? Barbie dolls? (Sorry guys, I'm focusing on the girls for this one) I started reading the book Captivating. One of the chapters talks about why little girls do certain things. Wear twirly skirts, get swept up in fairy tales like Cinderella and Beauty and the Beast, things like that. Very informative, but as I read, I found certain things about my childhood that were different from what they were describing. Yes, as a little girl I had Barbie dolls. However, I didn't really play with them. As I remember, I spent a great deal of time ripping the heads off of them, cutting their hair, coloring on their faces, much to my mother's dismay (sorry Mom :). I did play dress up, although one of my sister's favorite games to play was "David and Goliath." This was my favorite Bible story growing up. One of us would be David, the other Goliath (I always wanted to be David). Using a purse as a sling, we would act out the glorious tale of David's defeat of Goliath. Swinging the purse around our head, we would cheer with joy as Goliath fell to the ground.

Twirly skirts. I did not wear twirly skirts. I actually hated dressing up. I still don't like to wear skirt or dresses if I don't have to. Occasionally I can tolerate a sundress. But honestly, just give me a pair of jeans. And converses. Or TOMS. Anyway, I did enjoy Beauty and the Beast growing up (my favorite character was Chip the teacup). Yes, I'm not the girliest girl in the world, but that's okay. I am beautiful. I am strong. And I am a daughter of the Most High.

I'm an Adult...I Think

We've all had moments when we realize we're not kids anymore. I had a moment like that this past week. The innocence and freedom of childhood is no longer with us, and it can be hard to accept that. Last Sunday, I found out that two guys that I graduated with were both killed in separate car accidents over the weekend. The crashes happened within 24 hours of each other. I was in shock. Both of them were in my math class senior year. I didn't know them personally, but it's hard when someone that young passes. It feels like it's not supposed to happen that way.

This next paragraph might get confusing, but I want to respect everyone's privacy and not mention the guys' names. After I found out the news, I called my sister's boyfriend to see if he knew yet. He had been friends with one of the guys. Literally the first thing out of his mouth when I called him was this: I know that he's in a better place, because I was standing next to him when he accepted Christ. Amen to that! That brought such comfort to me. Amidst the chaos, I found some peace. He's home now.

These events made me have a "I'm not a kid anymore moment." But then there are those times when I wish I was still a kid. The decisions I have to make now are very hard. I've felt so weak and vulnerable. I've had moments where I've just cried out to God. I don't know what to do! I'm only 18! I can't handle this! Then I hear God's voice: Yes, you can. You're strong enough. If you weren't ready, I wouldn't have given it to you. It's going to be okay.

This time in my life has been crazy. I'm so grateful to have God as my rock.

Communication

Is it really already October? I must apologize for my lack of blogging. There's this thing called college that leaves me little time for other things. Anyway, last Sunday at church the sermon was about how important it is to have community and fellowship with other believers. God made our faith personal, not private. We need community in order to grow. One point that my pastor brought up is that our generation is connected so much through things like facebook and texting that we can basically be connected with people all the time. And yet, the biggest fear our generation has is being alone. I know I've had that fear many times over. I love getting to know people and having strong relationships. I can't stand to lose contact with someone.

The other day I was texting my sister. Technically speaking we were talking with each other, but afterwards I thought, "That didn't accomplish anything." I couldn't hear my sister's voice, so I couldn't tell how she was really feeling. It was just words on a screen. This is something you should know about me. I can't stand texting. I would much rather talk to someone in person. However, I put up with texting because it's how all of my friends communicate. It can be useful sometimes, but you shouldn't use it has your sole way of communication.

I realized how important it is to have fellowship and community with people. Without it, I would be a mess. I think we all would. Having fellowship with other believers helps me to grow stronger in my faith and know that I'm not the only one. It was Rob Bell that once said, "One of the most comforting phrases in the world is me too." I'm so thankful for all of the people God has put in my life. I hope that you are thankful too.

Changes

Upon arriving in college, many things have happened. God has been working on my heart. I'm still in awe of how much he has helped me these past couple of weeks. It really is true that when you're at your most vulnerable God is with you. I haven't felt this close to him in a long time. With that in mind, I would have never been able to get through my first week of college without him. It was very rough. On the first day of classes, I went to the wrong room and ended up coming in late to my first class. It was Intermediate German 1. My teacher then proceeded to tell us that she was from Germany and talked almost the entire time in German, which I wasn't expecting for the first day. She gave us our homework list; completely in German. I couldn't read any of it. I haven't taken German since my junior year of high school. So needless to say, after my first class I was pretty freaked out. Were the rest of my classes going to be like this?

I ended up dropping my German class the next day. It was just too much stress for me. Obviously, I didn't get off on the right foot. But in the midst of my homesickness, anxiety, and frustration, God was there. A good friend of mine told me to picture Jesus walking next to me all the time. He's always with me. Every day, every minute, every second. What a comfort that is! Another friend told that in the Hebrew language, there's no physical word for God. When they say it, it's like they're almost breathing in his name. Whenever I start to feel nervous or anxious, I focus on my breathing. As I inhale and exhale, I say Yahweh in my head. I don't know what it is, but breathing in God's name calms me down so quickly. It always works. Try it sometime! The rhythm of my breathing set to God's name just fits.

There are still a few adjustments about college that I am not used to yet. I know that it will take some time and that it's not going to always be easy, but I am ok. I have so many people in my life that are supporting and praying for me. It's such a wonderful feeling knowing that they're here for me.

I'm in College?

This past Thursday, I moved into my dorm at Kent State University. I'm officially a Golden Flash. It's still really odd for me to think of myself as a college student. I honestly don't know what to think yet. Everything is so new and I'm still adjusting to it. I'm feeling way too many emotions to count. I know that things will get better, but it's hard starting out. I know that I'm not the only one feeling like this, and that's reassuring. Another thing that keeps me going is that I'm only 45 minutes away from home. I'm not 5 states away. I would never be able to go that far away.

This morning I went to h2o, which is a church on Kent's campus. It was so refreshing and comforting to be around people that share the same beliefs as me. One of the songs they sang talked about God being on our side. One of the lines was, "I'm gonna be alright." When I heard that lyric, it hit me that I myself was going to be ok. God is going to be with me every step of the way during this new journey. I don't have to be afraid! And although I still get a lump in my throat whenever I talk to my parents on the phone, I know things will get better. God will never give me something I can't handle.

An Irish Girl

I was named after my Great Aunt Kathy. Even though I never met her, we have a lot on common. One thing that is strong between us is a love for our background. I'm Irish, German, French, and Hungarian. With my name being Kathleen Finley, you can see which heritage is the strongest. For as long as I can remember, I've had this strong desire to go to Ireland. My Aunt Kathy also had this dream. She ended up going, late in her life. She had a huge fear of flying, but she conquered it and went on the trip. Unfortunately, she became very ill during her time there and had to leave early, but her dream was reached.

I hope that I won't have to wait as long as Aunt Kathy did to go to Ireland, and hopefully I won't get sick either. I'm not quite sure where this dream of mine came from, but my mom told me I've been talking about it since I was little. There's just something about Ireland that feels like home to me. I can't quite put it into words. It's always been like that. My favorite color is green, I've done reports on Ireland for school more times than I can count. The background of my computer at work is of the Irish countryside. I even did a scene in my theatre class that required me to do an Irish accent.

There are times where I'm afraid that I'm going to go and it won't be what I thought; that I'll be disappointed by what I find. Then I think about all the reasons I want to go, all my dreams I've had since my early childhood, and I push all those fears aside. I am going to go to Ireland. And it will be beautiful.

One Year, Lots of Things

It was a year ago this past week that I went to Ecuador. I can't believe it's really been that long. So much has happened in my life between now and then. One minute I'm stepping off a plane in a new country; the next, I'm graduating from high school and getting ready for college. Some parts of this year are just a blur. It really does all go by fast. One thing that I'm not used to is talking about high school in the past tense. I feel like I should be doing that when I'm a lot older; not when I'm 18. Out of all the things I did this year, I will never, never forget that trip. It's going to affect me for the rest of my life. It has already changed me in just 365 days. I've talked about it, thought about it every day; I even wrote an essay about it in my AP Literature class. Our whole group has been changed by it. We all got together yesterday for a reunion. Seeing them again made me realize how much has happened since the trip. I discovered how busy I've been lately, and quite frankly, I don't really like it that much! I'm surrounded by these wonderful people that I had a life-changing experience with, and as looked around, I suddenly thought, how many of these people have I kept in contact with this past year? Barely any of them. The last time I saw one of them was over 3 months ago. It made feel sad that I hadn't put forth more of an effort to maintain a solid relationship with them. You don't just write these sort of people off. Being able to reconnect was so wonderful. I missed it so much. So I'm not going to let that happen again.

Kindness

More often than not, we take acts of kindness for granted. I know I have many times. We realize it's a nice gesture, but that's where it ends. No other thoughts or feelings. But these little things sometimes help me remember there's still good people in this life. Last week my dad and I were going golfing. We stopped to get coffee on the way to the course and ran into a man who goes to our church. I couldn't remember his name or what he did, but the minute we walked in, he saw me and asked, "Are you golfing today?" I replied that yes, I was, thinking that would be the end of it, we would say our nice to see yous and goodbyes and go on with our day. He said, "Come on," and started walking with us to the counter. He opened his wallet, took out a gift card, and gave it to the cashier and told her to take care of our order. I think I was smiling the whole time we were in the coffee shop. I wasn't expecting anything to come of our encounter, yet he helped us without any hesitation.

Then, at the beginning of the week, I was at work and my sister Elizabeth called me. My sister Hannah had cut her hand and had to go to urgent care to get stitches (she ended up getting 12). I was telling some of my coworkers about it and one of them told me I could bring her a slice of pie that she had brought in for us. Hannah was so touched by her actions. Letting someone know you care, even if you don't know them; that's unheard of nowadays.

It doesn't matter how small it is. These things can impact people. I loved that cashier lady's reaction to the man from my church ( I really wish I could remember his name). At first, she was surprised. Then, the realization of what he had just done started to sink in. She smiled, looked at us, and cheerfully made our drinks. I bet she was like that for the rest of the day. Hannah happily ate her pie and it lifted her spirits. She was no longer down after that.

So, I guess the old cliche is true. You never know who is watching you. So the next you think about giving up your seat on the bus or helping someone carry groceries, why not take a chance and do it?

New Experiences

On Thursday and Friday, I had my orientation at Kent State. I scheduled my first semester classes, met some of my future classmates, and slept in a dorm that didn't have anything air conditioning! The whole thing was a bit of an information overload, but I had a good time. Here's how a typical orientation works:

1. Arrive on campus at 7:30 am

2. Sign in and put your stuff in the dorm you'll be staying in for the night

3. Go get your picture taken for your university I.D. card (which you will have for the next 4 years)

4. Sit in a big room and listen to people talk.

5. Get escorted to a smaller room with just your fellow students and listen to people talk.

6. Be reunited with your parents for lunch.

7. Go listen to some more people talk, this time in an auditorium

8. Come back to the first place you listened to people talk and listen some more!

9. Say goodbye to your parents because they go home after this.

10. Go take a math and a foreign language placement test that you didn't know about

11. Eat dinner

12. Have yet another seminar you have to sit through.

13. Hang out for about 2 hours and go to bed (in a dorm with no air conditioning)

Here's what happens the next morning!

1. Wake up at 7.

2. Pack up your stuff and check out of your room.

3. Eat breakfast.

4. Go to your advising appointment and schedule your classes

5. Meet up with your parents and listen to one more seminar

6. Walk around campus finding all of the buildings your classes are in (or in my case, look at a map and point to the general direction in which the building is)

7. Again, in my case, drive to downtown Kent, walk around, and find a nice place to have lunch.

8. Fall asleep on the car ride home.

This probably makes me sound a little cynical, but I just didn't feel like orientation gave me a good representation of what going to school at Kent is going to be like. They pack in a lot of stuff over a day and a half, and it's hard trying to process and remember it all. Trust me, I still want to go there, but I think I'll have more fun at Welcome Weekend when I move in (to a dorm room that has air conditioning, and it's own private shower!) I'm really excited to go, but at the moment, it's something that I don't always like thinking about. It's a big, kind of scary step in my life. I sometimes wonder if I'm going to be ready for it. But then I remember how far I've come so far. I've done things and gone places most kids my age will never get to do, and that's pretty awesome! I am very fortunate to be where I am. When I think of that, college doesn't seem scary anymore. Going to Ecuador was way more scary than anything Kent could throw my way! I came back from that country with wonderful memories and a new outlook on life. Kent State seems like cake in comparison to playing with street kids or going to a city dump.

Oh, and for those of you that don't know, I'm an English major with a double minor in Writing and Photo Illustration.

Can You Hear Me Now?

I've been noticing more and more how dependent people my age are on technology. I do realize that certain technology has become a necessity in our society- like the computer. I use one every day at work, and there was even a certain type of computer I was required to get for Kent State. Obviously, I wouldn't be able to write my blogs without out one either. However, in my opinion, the one piece of technology we use the most is a cell phone. My dad said once that people my age just don't know how to communicate. Well, dad, you are 100 percent right. Almost all of my communication with my friends now is done through texting, and quite frankly, I can't stand it. I would much rather have someone call me, or better yet, talk to them in person, face to face. Can you really express what you're feeling in 160 characters? No, no you can't. You can't tell what someone's reaction is through a screen. And the phone was originally invented so you could call people, not type "k c u l8r." I felt ridiculous just typing that out. When you're actually talking to someone, you have a connection. You see all of their movements and expressions. The slightest change in demeanor can mean so many different things. You see the sparkle, or dullness in their eyes. If they're sad, you'll know. Being able to observe these things is what keeps the connection between people going. You get to know them. You read them. Analyze. Sometimes it gets to the point where you know what they're feeling the minute you see them. There's something there that you can never get through texting. You can't have a meaningful conversation through a phone. It's a piece of plastic with wires and buttons. And mine likes turn off suddenly without explanation. In fact, it will sometimes turn off when I'm in the middle of typing a text. I think it's a sign.

Oh, and for all you guys out there, never, never, ever ask a girl out via a text. It doesn't work.

Songs and Symbols

I talk about music quite a few times on my blog, so I decided to tell you guys about some of my favorite songs and the artists that wrote them. I hope I can educate you a little bit on my tastes in music. So here they are, in no particular order.

1. The Rocket Summer- Hills and Valleys

As you can probably tell, I'm a big fan of The Rocket Summer. His music is very piano based, and his talent on the keys really shines on this track. He has a very unique voice that can hit notes in a very wide range. This is one of those songs that just makes you feel good. It's fun to sing along to, especially on the harmonies. If you're going on a road trip, you definitely should blast this through the speakers with the windows down.

2. Switchfoot- Faust, Midas, and Myself

If there was a song that was a message to my generation, this is it. Jon Foreman is a master at capturing you with his words. This song talks about how life isn't about material things and gaining wealth. We need to live our lives in a meaningful way. My favorite line from it is, "A heart that's made of gold can't really beat at all." That pretty much sums it up.

3. Jon Foreman- The House of God Forever

I like to listen to this song before I go to sleep. Jon Foreman basically took Pslams 23 and set it to music. I talked about this song in one of my earlier posts. It's just such a wonderful reminder of how much God loves us. I find it very comforting and calming.

4. NeedtoBreathe- The Heat

I'm not exactly sure how to describe NeedtoBreathe's sound. They're kind of blues/southern rock/ folk. Whatever it is, it's good. Really good. Bear Rineheart has a voice that is just filled with soul and passion. This song is just beautiful.

5. Bradley Hathaway- Look Up

Bradely Hathaway is a poet and a songwriter. He doesn't have the best voice in the world (think Bob Dylan) but his lyrics are amazing. He calls his songs poems that are meant to be sung instead of spoken. As a poet myself, you can see why I like his music. He even references Henry David Thoreau in this song. "He said we're all living lives of quiet desperation." Not all of you may know who that is, but a literary geek like me got excited when I heard that part.

So that is my two cents in the music world. I hope I have enlightened you with my musical ways!

Of Men and Angels

I've been listening to The Rocket Summer's new album, Of Men and Angels. The Rocket Summer is actually only one guy, Bryce Avery. He has a full band with him when he goes on tour, but when he's recording an album, he plays all of the instruments himself. He's one of the most talented musicians I've ever heard. Plus, he writes all of the songs. He has so much passion for music and it really shows on all the tracks. One of my favorite songs on the album is the title track, Of Men and Angels. It's a very powerful message. The chorus states, "Here I am dear Lord, tasting hints of fame. I don't want it anymore if it's not you that I gain. I wanna fall at your feet, don't wanna fall from your peace. I understand." He's saying that if he gains all this fame and popularity, but loses sight of God, he doesn't want to be a part of it anymore. In our society, it's very easy to lose sight of God. Recently, I've become stagnant with my faith. I would read my Bible, but the words just wouldn't speak to me the way they used to. Going to church, I would sit in my seat and not really hear the sermon. When I prayed, I felt like God wasn't even listening to what I was saying. My words felt useless. But then I realized that I had lost sight of God. It wasn't him that had left, it was me. I let life catch up to me, I didn't take the time to slow down and make time for God. But all along he was right there, waiting patiently. My time away probably only felt like a blink to him, but it was an eternity to me. But I've come back, and I don't plan on leaving.

I'm Back!

Hello there friends. It has been quite a few months since I've posted anything, and for that, I apologize. Here's what's been happening while we were apart. The Diary of Anne Frank was an amazing success. We had almost a full house every night and it couldn't have gone better. I graduated from high school, with honors. I went on a road trip to New York with my sisters and my good friend Laura. Went to a ton of grad parties (I will be continuing that trend this weekend) and last week I started working as an intern at my dad's office. I move files. All day. It's very boring and tedious, but it pays well and I need to save up for college. It's very surreal knowing that I'm leaving for college in 3 months. I'm starting down a new path (ugh, such a cliche!) but it is true. I'm not quite sure what to think yet. That and I don't know what dorm I'm in or who my roommate is yet.

Anyway, now that we're all caught up, there is something that I would like to discuss. Something that connects all kids my age. Toy Story. The movies started coming out when we were kids. They are a part of our life. I'm a huge fan of Toy Story. It made me believe that my toys came alive when I left the room and it was funny. Now, the final installment of the films is in theaters. I haven't seen it yet and I feel that I need to change that soon! But there's something about the movie that I can already relate to. As we know, Andy goes to college in this movie and his toys have to cope with the fact that he's grown up. This movie relates to every single kid my age. We have grown up with Andy. Just like him, we are starting this new journey and leaving our Buzzes and Woodys behind. But it's not just toys, it's our childhood. I feel like this movie is one of the final pieces of my childhood. The innocence, the imagination, I don't want it to fade. I don't think it ever fully will leave, but right now it just feels like it is. This is a lot to take in for me at times. Even though I don't know what to expect, I'm excited. And I think I'll bring my teddy bear with me. I don't want him to get lonely!

Life, Love, and Things of That Nature

So it's been about a month since I've posted something on here. It's kind of scary to me how quickly life can catch up with us and we can forget about things. I feel like this blog helps me remember what's important to me, and when I realized it was starting to fall to the wayside, I knew that that wasn't right. I need to keep writing it. I like having this outlet to share my thoughts. My life has been extremely busy these past four weeks. Let's see if I can recap it as briefly as possible:

Auditions for my school's spring play were held. We are doing The Diary of Anne Frank. I tried out and got the part of Miep Gies, one of the people who helped hide the Franks, so I'm excited about that. My theatre class is also putting on a show, Opal's Baby, which I'm an understudy for. Second semester is in full swing now and I'm starting to count down the days! Only four more months...

Now, back to what I want to talk about today. I was listening to music a few days ago and I started thinking about how many songs there are that are about love. Thousands of them. Personally, I think sometimes the music industry has milked the idea if love a little too much. We sing about looking for love, finding it, losing it, regreting it, wanting revenge on it, dreaming of it again, wanting the love that we can't have; you get the picture. And it's not just music that has stretched love beyond the limit. I think our society has turned love into something that it was never meant to be. It doesn't even sound like a word anymore; we've used it so much. And it can mean a lot of different things. I could say that I love pizza and that I love my mom in the same sentence, but doesn't that sound a little odd?

I think the reason behind all this is one simple explanation: We long for love so much that we are willing to compromise and strip it down to the bone to get it. No matter how warped or twisted, if it's there, we'll take it. We've left no stone unturned in our search, and I think we've lost our way.

Real love is not what we've made it to be. It's not superficial or blantantly erotic. This is what I think real love is. Real love is when someone cares for you and wants the best for you. They share in your triumphs and support you in your hardships. They know everything about you. All your dreams, fears, passions, all your strange little habits and quirks. They know your good side and bad side. They've seen you when you are brave and when you are weak, and yet they still love you with all their being. They won't walk away. They will stay with you. They would die for you.

Now, you might be saying, "That's really great, but that's impossible. No one can love anybody that much." Oh, yes they can! I've seen it happen. There is someone who has this kind of love for you. He wants to be near you. He longs for you every day. And he did die for you.

God's love is a wonderful reminder that we are worthy of love. I also whole-heartedly believe that this kind of love can exist between two people. It's not just a hopeless romantic's dream. While it's not easy, the outcome is more rewarding than anything Hollywood or Nashville could dish out.

Forgiveness

Last week at church, a man in our congregation talked about forgiveness. As an example, he used the story of King David and Bathsheba. All it took was one small look at her for David to fall into a spiral of sin. With her husband off at war, there was nothing stopping him from sleeping with her. Then she became pregnant. So David had her husband brought home to be with her so everyone would think he was the father. But he wouldn't go into his house. He slept on the steps of the palace. David panicked. He had Bathsheba's husband put on the front lines of the battle so he would be killed. He was now able to marry Bathsheba, but the damage had been done. David knows what he has done. So does Bathsheba. And so does God.

In one of the Psalms, David is crying out to God for forgiveness. The guilt he had been carrying was tearing him apart. He couldn't live with it. David knew his transgressions were great. He needed God to help him. God forgave him of his sins.
In the next Psalm, he praises God for his loving power and forgiveness. This is so wonderful to me. No matter how many times I mess up, miss the mark, lash out, God will forgive me if I ask. He will cast my sins "as far as the east is from the west." They're gone, forgotten.

So this brings up a question.
If God will forgive us of all our sins, why do some people think that their sin is too great to be forgiven? I've never quite understood how people are able to think this. I've been a Christian since I was five. I've never had that experience. It hurts me to know that some people have so much grief over what they've done that they think they are unforgiveable. They think nothing can save them.

When Jesus was on the cross, he took away all the sins of the entire world. All the sins of the past, present, and future. He took away my sins over 2000 years before I committed them! Every bad and terrinble thing you can think of, Jesus put upon himself. I think that's the reason why he said "It is finished." Our sin was finished.

Books!

I'm a complete and total bookworm. I've been known to read a book in a day. At the moment, there are quite a few books that I really want to read. First, I'm in the process of reading the Harry Potter books for the first time in my life. I'm thoroughly enjoying them, along with the movies. Although, I read the first four books over Christmas break, so I'm kind of on a Harry Potter overload right now. When you have a dream that you turned into Draco Malfoy, that's probably a sign that you need to take a little break. In school my AP Lit class is reading Hamlet. I'm not ashamed to say that I am a Shakespeare fan. His plays are little on the long side, but once you are able to understand the language they're really good. I just finished reading a book of poetry by Walt Whitman. I have to say, Walt knows his stuff. Great imagery and emotion. At the moment I'm reading The Almost True Story of Ryan Fisher. It's not first rate literature, but it's a really funny story so far. And it's a good contrast when I want to go on holiday from Hogwarts. One thing I've come to realize, is that there are a lot of poets, playwrights ,and writers that inspire me. I'm thankful for their ideas that they chose to put down on a page, because they now help me put my ideas to paper. Written words can sometimes be more powerful than spoken ones.