I'm an Adult...I Think

We've all had moments when we realize we're not kids anymore. I had a moment like that this past week. The innocence and freedom of childhood is no longer with us, and it can be hard to accept that. Last Sunday, I found out that two guys that I graduated with were both killed in separate car accidents over the weekend. The crashes happened within 24 hours of each other. I was in shock. Both of them were in my math class senior year. I didn't know them personally, but it's hard when someone that young passes. It feels like it's not supposed to happen that way.

This next paragraph might get confusing, but I want to respect everyone's privacy and not mention the guys' names. After I found out the news, I called my sister's boyfriend to see if he knew yet. He had been friends with one of the guys. Literally the first thing out of his mouth when I called him was this: I know that he's in a better place, because I was standing next to him when he accepted Christ. Amen to that! That brought such comfort to me. Amidst the chaos, I found some peace. He's home now.

These events made me have a "I'm not a kid anymore moment." But then there are those times when I wish I was still a kid. The decisions I have to make now are very hard. I've felt so weak and vulnerable. I've had moments where I've just cried out to God. I don't know what to do! I'm only 18! I can't handle this! Then I hear God's voice: Yes, you can. You're strong enough. If you weren't ready, I wouldn't have given it to you. It's going to be okay.

This time in my life has been crazy. I'm so grateful to have God as my rock.

Communication

Is it really already October? I must apologize for my lack of blogging. There's this thing called college that leaves me little time for other things. Anyway, last Sunday at church the sermon was about how important it is to have community and fellowship with other believers. God made our faith personal, not private. We need community in order to grow. One point that my pastor brought up is that our generation is connected so much through things like facebook and texting that we can basically be connected with people all the time. And yet, the biggest fear our generation has is being alone. I know I've had that fear many times over. I love getting to know people and having strong relationships. I can't stand to lose contact with someone.

The other day I was texting my sister. Technically speaking we were talking with each other, but afterwards I thought, "That didn't accomplish anything." I couldn't hear my sister's voice, so I couldn't tell how she was really feeling. It was just words on a screen. This is something you should know about me. I can't stand texting. I would much rather talk to someone in person. However, I put up with texting because it's how all of my friends communicate. It can be useful sometimes, but you shouldn't use it has your sole way of communication.

I realized how important it is to have fellowship and community with people. Without it, I would be a mess. I think we all would. Having fellowship with other believers helps me to grow stronger in my faith and know that I'm not the only one. It was Rob Bell that once said, "One of the most comforting phrases in the world is me too." I'm so thankful for all of the people God has put in my life. I hope that you are thankful too.

Changes

Upon arriving in college, many things have happened. God has been working on my heart. I'm still in awe of how much he has helped me these past couple of weeks. It really is true that when you're at your most vulnerable God is with you. I haven't felt this close to him in a long time. With that in mind, I would have never been able to get through my first week of college without him. It was very rough. On the first day of classes, I went to the wrong room and ended up coming in late to my first class. It was Intermediate German 1. My teacher then proceeded to tell us that she was from Germany and talked almost the entire time in German, which I wasn't expecting for the first day. She gave us our homework list; completely in German. I couldn't read any of it. I haven't taken German since my junior year of high school. So needless to say, after my first class I was pretty freaked out. Were the rest of my classes going to be like this?

I ended up dropping my German class the next day. It was just too much stress for me. Obviously, I didn't get off on the right foot. But in the midst of my homesickness, anxiety, and frustration, God was there. A good friend of mine told me to picture Jesus walking next to me all the time. He's always with me. Every day, every minute, every second. What a comfort that is! Another friend told that in the Hebrew language, there's no physical word for God. When they say it, it's like they're almost breathing in his name. Whenever I start to feel nervous or anxious, I focus on my breathing. As I inhale and exhale, I say Yahweh in my head. I don't know what it is, but breathing in God's name calms me down so quickly. It always works. Try it sometime! The rhythm of my breathing set to God's name just fits.

There are still a few adjustments about college that I am not used to yet. I know that it will take some time and that it's not going to always be easy, but I am ok. I have so many people in my life that are supporting and praying for me. It's such a wonderful feeling knowing that they're here for me.

I'm in College?

This past Thursday, I moved into my dorm at Kent State University. I'm officially a Golden Flash. It's still really odd for me to think of myself as a college student. I honestly don't know what to think yet. Everything is so new and I'm still adjusting to it. I'm feeling way too many emotions to count. I know that things will get better, but it's hard starting out. I know that I'm not the only one feeling like this, and that's reassuring. Another thing that keeps me going is that I'm only 45 minutes away from home. I'm not 5 states away. I would never be able to go that far away.

This morning I went to h2o, which is a church on Kent's campus. It was so refreshing and comforting to be around people that share the same beliefs as me. One of the songs they sang talked about God being on our side. One of the lines was, "I'm gonna be alright." When I heard that lyric, it hit me that I myself was going to be ok. God is going to be with me every step of the way during this new journey. I don't have to be afraid! And although I still get a lump in my throat whenever I talk to my parents on the phone, I know things will get better. God will never give me something I can't handle.

An Irish Girl

I was named after my Great Aunt Kathy. Even though I never met her, we have a lot on common. One thing that is strong between us is a love for our background. I'm Irish, German, French, and Hungarian. With my name being Kathleen Finley, you can see which heritage is the strongest. For as long as I can remember, I've had this strong desire to go to Ireland. My Aunt Kathy also had this dream. She ended up going, late in her life. She had a huge fear of flying, but she conquered it and went on the trip. Unfortunately, she became very ill during her time there and had to leave early, but her dream was reached.

I hope that I won't have to wait as long as Aunt Kathy did to go to Ireland, and hopefully I won't get sick either. I'm not quite sure where this dream of mine came from, but my mom told me I've been talking about it since I was little. There's just something about Ireland that feels like home to me. I can't quite put it into words. It's always been like that. My favorite color is green, I've done reports on Ireland for school more times than I can count. The background of my computer at work is of the Irish countryside. I even did a scene in my theatre class that required me to do an Irish accent.

There are times where I'm afraid that I'm going to go and it won't be what I thought; that I'll be disappointed by what I find. Then I think about all the reasons I want to go, all my dreams I've had since my early childhood, and I push all those fears aside. I am going to go to Ireland. And it will be beautiful.

One Year, Lots of Things

It was a year ago this past week that I went to Ecuador. I can't believe it's really been that long. So much has happened in my life between now and then. One minute I'm stepping off a plane in a new country; the next, I'm graduating from high school and getting ready for college. Some parts of this year are just a blur. It really does all go by fast. One thing that I'm not used to is talking about high school in the past tense. I feel like I should be doing that when I'm a lot older; not when I'm 18. Out of all the things I did this year, I will never, never forget that trip. It's going to affect me for the rest of my life. It has already changed me in just 365 days. I've talked about it, thought about it every day; I even wrote an essay about it in my AP Literature class. Our whole group has been changed by it. We all got together yesterday for a reunion. Seeing them again made me realize how much has happened since the trip. I discovered how busy I've been lately, and quite frankly, I don't really like it that much! I'm surrounded by these wonderful people that I had a life-changing experience with, and as looked around, I suddenly thought, how many of these people have I kept in contact with this past year? Barely any of them. The last time I saw one of them was over 3 months ago. It made feel sad that I hadn't put forth more of an effort to maintain a solid relationship with them. You don't just write these sort of people off. Being able to reconnect was so wonderful. I missed it so much. So I'm not going to let that happen again.

Kindness

More often than not, we take acts of kindness for granted. I know I have many times. We realize it's a nice gesture, but that's where it ends. No other thoughts or feelings. But these little things sometimes help me remember there's still good people in this life. Last week my dad and I were going golfing. We stopped to get coffee on the way to the course and ran into a man who goes to our church. I couldn't remember his name or what he did, but the minute we walked in, he saw me and asked, "Are you golfing today?" I replied that yes, I was, thinking that would be the end of it, we would say our nice to see yous and goodbyes and go on with our day. He said, "Come on," and started walking with us to the counter. He opened his wallet, took out a gift card, and gave it to the cashier and told her to take care of our order. I think I was smiling the whole time we were in the coffee shop. I wasn't expecting anything to come of our encounter, yet he helped us without any hesitation.

Then, at the beginning of the week, I was at work and my sister Elizabeth called me. My sister Hannah had cut her hand and had to go to urgent care to get stitches (she ended up getting 12). I was telling some of my coworkers about it and one of them told me I could bring her a slice of pie that she had brought in for us. Hannah was so touched by her actions. Letting someone know you care, even if you don't know them; that's unheard of nowadays.

It doesn't matter how small it is. These things can impact people. I loved that cashier lady's reaction to the man from my church ( I really wish I could remember his name). At first, she was surprised. Then, the realization of what he had just done started to sink in. She smiled, looked at us, and cheerfully made our drinks. I bet she was like that for the rest of the day. Hannah happily ate her pie and it lifted her spirits. She was no longer down after that.

So, I guess the old cliche is true. You never know who is watching you. So the next you think about giving up your seat on the bus or helping someone carry groceries, why not take a chance and do it?